Forward, March!
THIS ONE'S A BIT WEIRD, SO CLICK HERE TO BOOK AND AVOID READING IF YOU'RE SHORT ON TIME/PATIENCE.
Preface
When I write - newsletters, fiction, scathing reviews or otherwise - I listen to music. Music that has a "vibe", as the kids say, that conjures up feelings or inspires me and blocks out the world around me. It can't have lyrics, lest it distract me (save for a couple absolute chair-kickers), and has to get the creative juices flowing. Cinematic, atmospheric songs that make you want to sit on a riverbank and forgive yourself for who you've been. So, this month's newsletter has a soundtrack! Listen along as you read!
(Some are long, so you'll have to skip, or read slower.)
What's new this month!
(Cue song #1: Also sprach Zarathustra, Op.30: I. Prelude by Richard Strauss)
open.spotify.com/track/43YwOmGUOS3zzGvj1Feszb?si=a30995655c2a4442
New Product Line!
(Cue song #2: Where Is My Mind by Maxence Cyrin)
open.spotify.com/track/4jNQkWhuzqrbqQuqanFFJ6?si=584e14b7878e41d7
I've run into some issues with the shampoo and conditioner I've been using, so I needed something new. And it seemed like the right time to look for a Canadian brand. I did a bunch of searching, and there were some who looked good but I didn't dig their branding (vibe) or their prices. Or they weren't really Canadian.
Then the great and powerful internet plopped Groom into my lap (top). I looked at all they carried and reached out and asked if they catered to meagre little barbershops such as I, and they replied with the offer of a video call to field any questions I had. Which was nice of them.
Groom was co-founded by Julien, who used to be a bartender, so that was a major green flag. He teamed with a cosmetic chemist (really need to get me one of those) and created Groom. After our call I ordered a bunch of samples since I need to try it all before I put it on your head, and I liked it all. I'd always thought Beard Wash was repackaged shampoo, but boy was I wrong. My beard is so luxurious now! Even more luxuriouser! Their hair product doesn't feel gross at the end of the day, which is a big one for me. Do I have sensory issues? I now use their deodorant and face wash and serum too, and my wife even commented on my skin, so I'm taking that as a sign that it works. More on that next month.
I've started with the basics and I plan on carrying more of their stuff, like moisturizers and soap. I'm going to make you fancy and handsome, like it or not. Fandsome! Fançome!
Come in and check it out, take a sample if you'd like.
Next!
Let me tell you about hair loss.
(Cue song #3: Los Angeles Theme by Tom Waits)
open.spotify.com/track/4RQvZYueJxCeIdU3zyQ47o?si=df8c7efb05a14a7a
I get questions every single day on hair thinning and loss. I'm trying to learn as much as I can without going to science school. I want to help you guys so badly, partly because I care about your mental health and self confidence, but mostly because if I figured it out I'd be a billionaire. So I ruminated and pondered. I contemplated and wondered. I prayed to my pillow, "please help me find a cure for this condition that plagues men. I promise if someone guides the way for me, I'll give up tomatoes forever."
That night I was awoken by a scratching at my patio door. I stumbled down the hall and turned on the outside light to find nothing. Nothing but a tiny trail of footprints in the snow. I opened the door and said, "Who goes there?"
I saw a pair of glowing eyes at the back of the yard and heard a whisper in my ear as if it were right beside me. "Follow me," it said.
So naturally, I put on my shoes, lit a candle, and followed the tracks. I mean, something so supernatural I have to follow up on, it's chosen me for a reason. Delaying it would only make it mad.
I followed it to a wood, a bramble, a thicket, if you will. The moon was bright despite a thick canopy of gnarled trees overhead. The snow was gone and there was a path that led to a teeny tiny little cabin that seemed as big as a dollhouse but grew as I came closer. Grew so big I didn't have to duck to go in the door.
"Hello?" I called out. There was a fire in the middle of the room with a large cauldron bubbling. It smelled so good, like raspberry stew.
"Come closer..." a wretched little voice gargled.
"In which direction?"
"To the cauldron!"
I approached the boiling vat that was some 6 feet wide and looked in. It was steaming and moving, yet I could see my reflection clear as a mirror. I looked across and saw a face. He had a long beard and a face that both intrigued me and frightened me. He had the most flowing and amazing head of hair I'd ever seen. "Who are you?" I asked.
"I am the Tomten. I hear all and see all. I understand you made a wish earlier tonight, and I'd like to help you."
"It wasn't really a wish, more of a favour," I said.
"Either way. You'd like to know what causes hair loss, would you?"
"Oh yes, please. Very much."
"Let's play a game. You lose, I get your hair. You win, you keep it. You have such great hair. I want it."
"Okay, but if I win, you tell me how to cure hair loss."
"NO DEAL!"
"Because you don't know how to cure it?" I said.
"Yes I do."
"Bet you don't."
"Whatever. What game shall we play, human?"
"Uh, got any cards?"
"NAY!"
"Okay then, Rock, Paper, Scissors."
"I do hate this stupid game you people play, but I'll play along. Best of three, one two three show."
"Fine." I fancy myself an RPS pro. It's all in the way you propose it. They always play the first thing you call it. If you call it Rock Paper Scissors, they subconsciously want to play Rock first. If you call it Paper Rock Scissors, they play Paper first. I said Rock first, so I knew to play Paper. "One two three show!"
He played Rock. Like I knew he would. Foolish Tomten.
1-0 me.
Now, I know that people get frustrated when they lose the first one, because the second round gets launched with no delay. They panic and play paper because they think they need to switch it up, but they will NEVER play scissors second because they just played rock, and that would be defeating themselves. Since he couldn't play the same thing twice (rookie mistake) he played paper.
I stuck my scissors out like Wolverine and they even made a ZHING sound as I pretended to cut his paper hand.
He screamed and fell to his knees. "NNNNNOOOOOOOO! No fair!"
"It was all fair, Tomten. You're just being a sore loser."
"Am not."
"Are too. Now give me that cure."
"I don't know it! All I know is how to take hair, not give it back. Nobody has ever asked!"
"So how do you take it?"
"Every man, at one point in their lives, gets a visit from me in their sleep. We play a game and we gamble on his hair. So, any man who is thinning or balding has lost a dream game to me. It all comes down to the game. The guys with the cul-de-sac? We played horseshoes, obviously. The bald patch at the crown? Corn Hole. Receding at the corners? Pool. 8 Ball, corner pocket, every time. Those are the three most popular games."
"So I get to keep my hair?" I asked. He simply grumbled and handed me a jar of raspberry stew. I woke up to my alarm and went to the bathroom mirror and saw my hair all there and sighed a sigh of relief. I looked over my shoulder to see a jar of raspberry stew in the shower! Was it a dream or wasn't it?!? I'll never know.
But what I do know is that if you're ever lured to make a deal with a goblin to bet your hair, always play Paper first. You'll thank me later.
CLICK HERE TO MAKE THE TOMTEN JEALOUS!
(Cue song #4: trespasser by Art d'Ecco)
open.spotify.com/track/5u0srVmm6OCFsOT1ybdQja?si=43ddb4842b69425a
Don't forget the Touch Up
Are you growing your hair out but frustrated with it hitting your ears? Book a Touch Up. Got something important you need to look good for but it's too soon for a full haircut? Book a Touch Up. Pressed for time? Book a Touch Up.
They're a 15 minute service for $20. I'll clean up around your ears and nape area; the detail work. Plus a razor shave on the back of your neck. Quick and easy. Perfect for the person who's on the go! A real go-getter like yourself! You'll look so good people will assume you have a LinkedIn account! But don't do it, trust me.
*Note: if you're looking for "just the sides", or a tiny bit off the top, that's not a touch up. If I have to break out the scissors or clipper guards, that's a haircut. Don't take an inch and try to make it a mile and make it my problem, or else I'll take your quarter inch and turn it into an inch and a half and make you somebody else's problem.
Just a heads up about the touch up.
Seth's Soapbox
Introducing a new feature to The World's Best Newsletter, Seth's Soapbox. It's not necessarily highlighting a hill worth dying on, but a place for me to spout my opinions.
This month: Turn your headlights on, would ya? People think they don't need to turn their lights on when the sun is up because cars have daytime running lights, but they don't have daytime running taillights. The other day had terrible weather with snow flurries and wind, and zero red lights in front of me despite traffic. I don't know if you're going the speed limit or 20 under, and even worse if it's on the highway. Sure, the collision would legally be my fault, but you're the one with the messed up neck now. I mean, what if I was texting?!
Don't forget we live in a society. And while you're at it, would it kill you to google how to signal in a traffic circle? Here, let me do it for you.
roundabout.how/en/Choosing-Your-Lane.asp
Sheesh, am I right?
Now turn on your lights and go take a drive while listening to song #5, preferably a winding country road where you can really open it up. See you soon.
(Cue song #5: Go! by Public Service Broadcasting
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=995f30e1642140ff
P.S. if you're so inclined, here are my playlists, what I listen to while writing at home, and while cutting hair at the barbershop. Profile is sethvh1.
Music To Write To.
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=6d2dc4d0dfc54539
Music To Work To.
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=6d2dc4d0dfc54539