Forward, March!
THIS ONE'S A BIT WEIRD, SO CLICK HERE TO BOOK AND AVOID READING IF YOU'RE SHORT ON TIME/PATIENCE.
Preface
When I write - newsletters, fiction, scathing reviews or otherwise - I listen to music. Music that has a "vibe", as the kids say, that conjures up feelings or inspires me and blocks out the world around me. It can't have lyrics, lest it distract me (save for a couple absolute chair-kickers), and has to get the creative juices flowing. Cinematic, atmospheric songs that make you want to sit on a riverbank and forgive yourself for who you've been. So, this month's newsletter has a soundtrack! Listen along as you read!
(Some are long, so you'll have to skip, or read slower.)
What's new this month!
(Cue song #1: Also sprach Zarathustra, Op.30: I. Prelude by Richard Strauss)
open.spotify.com/track/43YwOmGUOS3zzGvj1Feszb?si=a30995655c2a4442
New Product Line!
(Cue song #2: Where Is My Mind by Maxence Cyrin)
open.spotify.com/track/4jNQkWhuzqrbqQuqanFFJ6?si=584e14b7878e41d7
I've run into some issues with the shampoo and conditioner I've been using, so I needed something new. And it seemed like the right time to look for a Canadian brand. I did a bunch of searching, and there were some who looked good but I didn't dig their branding (vibe) or their prices. Or they weren't really Canadian.
Then the great and powerful internet plopped Groom into my lap (top). I looked at all they carried and reached out and asked if they catered to meagre little barbershops such as I, and they replied with the offer of a video call to field any questions I had. Which was nice of them.
Groom was co-founded by Julien, who used to be a bartender, so that was a major green flag. He teamed with a cosmetic chemist (really need to get me one of those) and created Groom. After our call I ordered a bunch of samples since I need to try it all before I put it on your head, and I liked it all. I'd always thought Beard Wash was repackaged shampoo, but boy was I wrong. My beard is so luxurious now! Even more luxuriouser! Their hair product doesn't feel gross at the end of the day, which is a big one for me. Do I have sensory issues? I now use their deodorant and face wash and serum too, and my wife even commented on my skin, so I'm taking that as a sign that it works. More on that next month.
I've started with the basics and I plan on carrying more of their stuff, like moisturizers and soap. I'm going to make you fancy and handsome, like it or not. Fandsome! Fançome!
Come in and check it out, take a sample if you'd like.
Next!
Let me tell you about hair loss.
(Cue song #3: Los Angeles Theme by Tom Waits)
open.spotify.com/track/4RQvZYueJxCeIdU3zyQ47o?si=df8c7efb05a14a7a
I get questions every single day on hair thinning and loss. I'm trying to learn as much as I can without going to science school. I want to help you guys so badly, partly because I care about your mental health and self confidence, but mostly because if I figured it out I'd be a billionaire. So I ruminated and pondered. I contemplated and wondered. I prayed to my pillow, "please help me find a cure for this condition that plagues men. I promise if someone guides the way for me, I'll give up tomatoes forever."
That night I was awoken by a scratching at my patio door. I stumbled down the hall and turned on the outside light to find nothing. Nothing but a tiny trail of footprints in the snow. I opened the door and said, "Who goes there?"
I saw a pair of glowing eyes at the back of the yard and heard a whisper in my ear as if it were right beside me. "Follow me," it said.
So naturally, I put on my shoes, lit a candle, and followed the tracks. I mean, something so supernatural I have to follow up on, it's chosen me for a reason. Delaying it would only make it mad.
I followed it to a wood, a bramble, a thicket, if you will. The moon was bright despite a thick canopy of gnarled trees overhead. The snow was gone and there was a path that led to a teeny tiny little cabin that seemed as big as a dollhouse but grew as I came closer. Grew so big I didn't have to duck to go in the door.
"Hello?" I called out. There was a fire in the middle of the room with a large cauldron bubbling. It smelled so good, like raspberry stew.
"Come closer..." a wretched little voice gargled.
"In which direction?"
"To the cauldron!"
I approached the boiling vat that was some 6 feet wide and looked in. It was steaming and moving, yet I could see my reflection clear as a mirror. I looked across and saw a face. He had a long beard and a face that both intrigued me and frightened me. He had the most flowing and amazing head of hair I'd ever seen. "Who are you?" I asked.
"I am the Tomten. I hear all and see all. I understand you made a wish earlier tonight, and I'd like to help you."
"It wasn't really a wish, more of a favour," I said.
"Either way. You'd like to know what causes hair loss, would you?"
"Oh yes, please. Very much."
"Let's play a game. You lose, I get your hair. You win, you keep it. You have such great hair. I want it."
"Okay, but if I win, you tell me how to cure hair loss."
"NO DEAL!"
"Because you don't know how to cure it?" I said.
"Yes I do."
"Bet you don't."
"Whatever. What game shall we play, human?"
"Uh, got any cards?"
"NAY!"
"Okay then, Rock, Paper, Scissors."
"I do hate this stupid game you people play, but I'll play along. Best of three, one two three show."
"Fine." I fancy myself an RPS pro. It's all in the way you propose it. They always play the first thing you call it. If you call it Rock Paper Scissors, they subconsciously want to play Rock first. If you call it Paper Rock Scissors, they play Paper first. I said Rock first, so I knew to play Paper. "One two three show!"
He played Rock. Like I knew he would. Foolish Tomten.
1-0 me.
Now, I know that people get frustrated when they lose the first one, because the second round gets launched with no delay. They panic and play paper because they think they need to switch it up, but they will NEVER play scissors second because they just played rock, and that would be defeating themselves. Since he couldn't play the same thing twice (rookie mistake) he played paper.
I stuck my scissors out like Wolverine and they even made a ZHING sound as I pretended to cut his paper hand.
He screamed and fell to his knees. "NNNNNOOOOOOOO! No fair!"
"It was all fair, Tomten. You're just being a sore loser."
"Am not."
"Are too. Now give me that cure."
"I don't know it! All I know is how to take hair, not give it back. Nobody has ever asked!"
"So how do you take it?"
"Every man, at one point in their lives, gets a visit from me in their sleep. We play a game and we gamble on his hair. So, any man who is thinning or balding has lost a dream game to me. It all comes down to the game. The guys with the cul-de-sac? We played horseshoes, obviously. The bald patch at the crown? Corn Hole. Receding at the corners? Pool. 8 Ball, corner pocket, every time. Those are the three most popular games."
"So I get to keep my hair?" I asked. He simply grumbled and handed me a jar of raspberry stew. I woke up to my alarm and went to the bathroom mirror and saw my hair all there and sighed a sigh of relief. I looked over my shoulder to see a jar of raspberry stew in the shower! Was it a dream or wasn't it?!? I'll never know.
But what I do know is that if you're ever lured to make a deal with a goblin to bet your hair, always play Paper first. You'll thank me later.
CLICK HERE TO MAKE THE TOMTEN JEALOUS!
(Cue song #4: trespasser by Art d'Ecco)
open.spotify.com/track/5u0srVmm6OCFsOT1ybdQja?si=43ddb4842b69425a
Don't forget the Touch Up
Are you growing your hair out but frustrated with it hitting your ears? Book a Touch Up. Got something important you need to look good for but it's too soon for a full haircut? Book a Touch Up. Pressed for time? Book a Touch Up.
They're a 15 minute service for $20. I'll clean up around your ears and nape area; the detail work. Plus a razor shave on the back of your neck. Quick and easy. Perfect for the person who's on the go! A real go-getter like yourself! You'll look so good people will assume you have a LinkedIn account! But don't do it, trust me.
*Note: if you're looking for "just the sides", or a tiny bit off the top, that's not a touch up. If I have to break out the scissors or clipper guards, that's a haircut. Don't take an inch and try to make it a mile and make it my problem, or else I'll take your quarter inch and turn it into an inch and a half and make you somebody else's problem.
Just a heads up about the touch up.
Seth's Soapbox
Introducing a new feature to The World's Best Newsletter, Seth's Soapbox. It's not necessarily highlighting a hill worth dying on, but a place for me to spout my opinions.
This month: Turn your headlights on, would ya? People think they don't need to turn their lights on when the sun is up because cars have daytime running lights, but they don't have daytime running taillights. The other day had terrible weather with snow flurries and wind, and zero red lights in front of me despite traffic. I don't know if you're going the speed limit or 20 under, and even worse if it's on the highway. Sure, the collision would legally be my fault, but you're the one with the messed up neck now. I mean, what if I was texting?!
Don't forget we live in a society. And while you're at it, would it kill you to google how to signal in a traffic circle? Here, let me do it for you.
roundabout.how/en/Choosing-Your-Lane.asp
Sheesh, am I right?
Now turn on your lights and go take a drive while listening to song #5, preferably a winding country road where you can really open it up. See you soon.
(Cue song #5: Go! by Public Service Broadcasting
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=995f30e1642140ff
P.S. if you're so inclined, here are my playlists, what I listen to while writing at home, and while cutting hair at the barbershop. Profile is sethvh1.
Music To Write To.
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=6d2dc4d0dfc54539
Music To Work To.
open.spotify.com/track/4p4RAxxV9DkBHSEMzZHgzn?si=6d2dc4d0dfc54539
Cold Enough For Ya? HA!
The haps.
Hello gang. I hope you're warm. Don't worry, it's going to warm up very soon. For about a month, then late March will bring us a hope-destroying spring storm right after they plow the roads, and after you make an appointment to get your tires switched over. Great news for farmers!
The cold also takes over peoples' minds, causing them to forget things. Like haircut appointments. I had 2.2 no-shows last week. The 0.2 was a regular who remembered his 11:00 appt at 10:59 and called to say he'd be 15 mins late. The other two just plum forgot. Everyone gets one, because we all make mistakes. After your freebie, you're paying for 2 cuts next time. It's a given, but if you don't show up, I don't get paid. Nobody has missed two, though. No-show me once, shame on you. No-show me twice, get your life together, holy crap.
You know what the 0.2 get did after his almost-missed haircut? He went home and booked his next 7 cuts. Seven. He's got his life together. The day after his night shifts end. Clockwork. And you can too! I have a few clients who are on a recurring schedule, you don't even have to do it, I can click "recurring every _ weeks". You get reminder emails, and your phone will put it in the calendar. Anyway, it's one of those technological conveniences. Makes both of our lives easier.
And now for my monthly disclaimer on why you're seeing this.
Have you ever broken a law on purpose? Thinking, "I know this is technically illegal, but it's not, like, immoral. Unethical, maybe, but won't get me turned away at the Burly Gates." (The Burly Gates are one of those Pinteresty archways made of trees in a magical land only open to good people. I've been there. Had a picnic. No big deal.) Like pirating a movie unavailable on streaming, or coming to a rolling stop at a stop sign. That was me a few minutes ago when I was going through the client list and subscribing people to this newsletter.
I click on the person's name and see Email Not Subscribed and I think, well, they're cool. I can't see why they wouldn't want my wit and musings added to their pile of unwanted spam? Maybe they need a haircut and forgot about little old Seth. They'll say, "Oh yeah, that guy. I guess it was an okay cut. Sure, I'll click the link and book a haircut."
I look left, look right, only see my dog give me a knowing and judging stare, tell her not to rat me out, and click Subscribe on a few lucky people. I feel a bit dirty about it, but hey, that's business, baby! I'm sure I'm the only business in town that's done anything unethical. (Ask me about my half-price gift cards!*)
I wonder if it's a crime like on old VHS movies where the warning about illegal copying (who has 2 VCRs, I mean really) was punishable by a fine of a million dollars or up to 20 years in jail. Or was it a $20 fine or a million years in jail? Do you get the option?
I assume breaking spam laws result in a fine (which would not be fine with me!) but if I don't have the money to pony up (don't forget, crimes punishable by fines are only meant to punish those who can't afford it) (also I'm really into parentheses today) I would have to go for the jail time option. Do you think it's one of those weekend-only sentences where I can still cut hair? Or barbershop-arrest where I'm forced to live there? With an ankle bracelet?
Or is it actually serious where I go to the pen and line up in my orange jumpsuit with the murderers and drug dealers? I probably wouldn't get the preferential treatment Luigi did; everyone hates spam. They'd ask me what I was in for and I'd have to lie. I'd have to come up with a cool crime. If they ever found out I added strangers to my newsletter list, they'd shank me first thing. I don't know how often drug dealers check their email. But they love money, so maybe they collect e-coupons.
Some guy named T-Rex would come up to me and say, "Are you the Seth from the barbershop? I never met you before but I get your emails. Care to explain why?" I see he's making fists.
"I'm not- um, I thought... I don't know... Did you at least enjo-"
"Do you know how much I hate spam in my inbox, Seth?" He's towering over me with forehead veins bulging. "Do you know how much I hate to unsubscribe from things? Do you know how annoying it is to scroll all the way down and find Unsubscribe in the fine print and sometimes it's disguised as Update Email Preferences? Then you click it and it opens up a page in my browser but it takes time to load so I get frustrated and swipe out, thus not unsubscribing me, then one month later I see your name in my inbox? AGAIN?"
"Um, yes Mr. Rex, I do. But how did it go to your primary inbox? It's my own newsletter and it still goes to my junk mail and I can't get it to go to the primary! Is there some way to get it to go to primary inboxes?"
"What do I look like, some kind of hacker?! I don't know, it just did! Are you telling me you not only want to spam people, you also want it to go to their important inbox?" He grabs me by the collar and lifts me up off my feet.
"I thought it would help remind people to book a haircut!" All the other inmates are laughing, I'm certain it's curtains for me.
He lowers me to the ground. "That is kinda helpful, actually. I get so caught up in my work that I forget to book in for Me Time."
"Me Time is so important, T," a gravelly-voiced man says from the crowd. "We men are taught to feel like we're not allowed to pamper ourselves. But we can."
"YEAH!" the crowd roars.
"Not only can we do that, we should!" another voice yells.
"When we look good, we feel good, right fellas?!" T-Rex is pumped up now. "These societal rules telling us it's not manly to take care of our hair, our skin, our mental health, they're all a big load of horse puckey!"
"Going to therapy is like going to the gym for your brain!" another man yells out.
The crowd cheers as we group hug. T-Rex and I go on to start a successful enterprise on the inside importing contraband eye serums and facial toners, and my cellmate and I make hair tonic in our toilet. We go on to transform the correctional industry into a health and wellness retreat, basically fixing society. T-Rex goes on to become Dr. Rex and is our resident psychologist and makes it cool to talk about feelings. When someone is seen crying in their cell, we rally around him and talk it out, letting them know it's not their fault, but their dad's, and we forgive them from afar.
The warden comes into my cell and takes a squirt of eye serum and spreads it around his orbital bone in an outward fashion. "Time to go, Seth. Your time is up."
"I can't go, boss."
He looks at me with wide eyes, accentuating how his crow's feet have all but disappeared. "But your sentence is complete. You can leave."
"My work here isn't finished. We're on the edge of world peace, Warden. Our message is spreading to the other facilities. Even other countries! I'm almost finished writing a book about it! It's called Feelings University."
"I can't keep you in here. Besides, if the industrial prison complex down south hears about it, they'll shut it down. They need prison slave labour to line their pockets."
They'll be changed too, I think to myself. "Okay, let me do one last thing." I go to the prison library and log on to my account and craft a newsletter. I go to the Client List and add as many email addresses as I can, hoping that one of the recipients will rat me out. "I'll be back," I think to myself, and I smile as I walk out of that prison looking ten years younger. The guards say goodbye with tears in their eyes (because we now know that crying is therapeutic and healing) and I give them each a bottle of Eau de Toilet Tonic and tell them I'm proud of them. My lady tosses me the keys to my bitchin' Camaro and we peel away into the sunset.
What's going on in Februarch.
Enter the Terrible Twos!
March 1st marks the 2nd anniversary of Seth's Barbershop.
The 1st birthdaversary came and went with little fanfare, as I was still gathering speed, getting on my wobbly feet. As one does around their first birthday. It felt too early to celebrate. And as one does on their second birthday, I'm running, spilling food on the floor, and throwing emotional regulation to the wind.
I was thinking of getting festive and maybe having someone making balloon animals, but I'll probably do nothing. I'm all talk. Maybe I'll take the next day off. March 2nd is a Sunday anyway, so.
Anyhoo, I know I may start to sound like a post-game interview when the athletes say the same 10 sentences over and over yet reporters still ask the same questions and waste everyone's airtime, I'm so grateful that you come get your haircut by me. Maybe it's once a year, or maybe you just bring your kid in. Either way, I'm thankful for you. And thanks for telling your friends.
The first year was crossing my fingers for clients, getting the word out there any way I could, afraid to the point of a panic attack that I would butcher someone and they would tell the world. But so far, so good. As you can see when picking an available time, my book is slowly filling up. We just gotta take it one day at a time, you know, um, keep working on the fundamentals. You know. uhhhh I can't let full weeks get to my head, gotta keep my head down and just continue to show up each day, ready to play. I mean work. Just gotta take 'em as they come, you know? uhhhhh just keep grinding, you know?
Local Business Plug
Let's all just keep on buying Canadian, shall we? The smaller and localler, the better. Localler is a word if you just believe.
My son's Subaru Forester was having issues starting and staying running, so he took it to Alberta Asian Motorworks and they put a new alternator in it and it was pretty quick and was pretty affordable. I really don't know what alternators cost these days, but Mike is a solid guy who doesn't seem to me to be the wrong kind of greasy. He's the good kind!
One Last Thing
There was one last thing but now I forget. I'll remember tomorrow when it's too late.
Anyway. See you soon!
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
* Buy a gift card for double the price and get 50% off!
P.S. since I've got you here, feel free to click this link and buy my novel. I'm getting to the point where I can stop apologizing for how many swear words are in it. Get the first edition before it has the "Now A Major Motion Picture" sticker on it! The cover will be different too, movie poster style with Paul Mescal's face looking all broody, and an empty shot glass on its side. I don't know, I'm no poster designer.
On the plus side, winter’s like, half over.
THIS IS WHERE YOU BOOK A CUT. CLICK IT.
Alright, gang. Grab a cup of coffee, stoke the fire, and dig in, it's time for the World's Best Newsletter. Satisfaction not guaranteed! It's the last one I'll send this year, promise.
First up: Seth's Gratitude Journal. I'm really so thankful for everyone who sat in my chair this year, and especially those who did it more than once. Not only did you put food on my table and in my kids' bellies, you made my days enjoyable and interesting. You're awesome.
B: I'm as computer savvy as I am handy - as in, not at all. I never remember how to upload a picture on this thing. But I found the "Theme" button that allowed me to change the template from coffee shop to cartoon beach! It's got a Miami Vice meets Bluey vibe.
Third: You've all done so well booking ahead to get in for your holiday cuts. I'm so proud of you. Gold stars for all!
4: I'm still taking Food Bank donations (food or dollars) this week, and I'm putting 10% of your cut into the money bag, so bring food or money when you come this week! The box is looking a bit sparse. Like Bob Cratchitt's pantry, to use a timely reference. My fault for not putting it in the last newsletter. Your fault for not carrying around cans of food on your person wherever you go.
Point the Fifth: If you're in this week, I'll be offering my homemade eggnog. It's got booze in it, but I'm only pouring small ones so you don't have to worry about your boss/driving. And it's not an upsell, it's my treat. Cocktails are my love language. If I did charge for it, I'd get in trouble with Johnny Law. Can't have that again. Last time the fuzz caught wind of my hooch making, they busted my doors down, I tell ya. He and his coppers came blowing their whistles and disturbed me while I was listenin' to the ball game on the ol' squawk box. I stood up with my hands in the air (all cool-like), me just in my pants and suspenders. I says to him, I says, "Whoa, Johnny, what's all the commotion?" He looks at me and says, "Don't get smart with me, I know you've been making 'shine here. White Dog. White Lightning. Grandpa's Cough Syrup."
"Have a look around, Johnny. Ain't nuthin' here. I'm but a simple barber, see?. Alls I do is cut hair. The odd shave. I'm above board, I toldja, I don't do that no more. Straight as a razor, pal. I ain't even been to a speak since the Babe hit that dinger to lead the Yanks to beat the Giants in the World Series last fall since this is a reference to being a real long time ago."
"Well I don't believe ya!" Johnny shouts, his pistol pointed at me. He's cool too, his fedora tipped just so, three-piece suit, dressed like he's on the take. Of course he is, I'd greased his palm in the past. He knew I was making Giggle Water on the sly, started out in my bathtub after the Volstead Act passed, gave me the what for and I slipped him a tenner and he hit the bricks. But now that my operation got bigger, he got wise.
"You know I'm just making aftershave, Volstead said it's fine! Medicinal and cosmetic, all's good!"
"Yeah but you ain't added the whatchamacallit juice to make it poison for thems that drink it! So it's against the law."
""Nuh-uh, I added it, I got the jug right here!" I hold up a jug of denatured alcohol, making anyone barf who drank it.
Johnny, whose real name was Carl but got used to the colloquialism, noticed the seal still unbroken on the jug. "It's a front! He's lyin'! Get 'im boys!"
I dropped the glass jug and smashed it at my feet and flicked my stogie so's to start a fire, and I high-tailed it outta there through the back door. "Can't catch me copper!" I run down the fire escape and yell at the boys, "Hey you there! Get the billsy-jams! Make 'em run with the plink-plonks!" They stand up from their game of Jacks, pigeons flying everywhere. We jump in a truck marked "Seth's Barrel-Aged Negroni Aftershave Distribution - Do Not Drink - Will Make You Sick Because We Follow The Law Because We're Good People" and we bust out, clinking and rattling all along, the truck making a chuga-chugga engine sound and an AWOOOOGAH honk, police whistles fading into the night until they were mixed with the morning songbirds.
Johnny Carl may have busted the warehouse that night, but we got away. I never did see Carl again, cuz holy jumping jehosephat, it scared the living bejeezus outta me, gave me the humbly-jumblies. I didn't want to go back to the hoosegow, no way no how. So I kept the aftershave for your face only, not your guts.
But I like to make egg nog come Yuletide:)
MIGHT AS WELL BOOK A HAIRCUT. NOW IN A SWEET FONT!
OTHER THINGS!
I made t-shirts.
They're comfy, made in Canada, printed at Showdown Merch in Sylvan Lake, and I would love it if you would wear my name on your back and make me feel like I'm a big leaguer. Seth. #2. In lights. Anyway, come try one on.
You can also get some stocking stuffers like combs and razor blades. I just got a few switchblade combs in, which, if you ask me, is the epitome of cool. Pairs well with a leather jacket.
My New Year's Resolutions
Here's an interesting thing I learned a few years back. New Year's resolutions never stick because we up and decide to change major parts of our lives and personalities and expect them to stay, out of the blue. January 1st is essentially an arbitrary date on a man-made calendar, so your body and brain don't care. They want to do what they've been doing this whole time. However, the Spring Equinox, coming up on March 20, is the best time to start a new habit. The days are longer, awakening your lizard brain. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a lot more common than you think, we can't get optimistic about a new habit when it's so dark all the time, circadian rhythm and all that. March's newsletter will go into it more, but just don't get down on yourself if you try to quit a bad habit and start up again Jan 10th. It's not your fault. Just hold off on that gym membership for a bit. Save your money. (It's true. Google it.)
Local Shoutout!
Kiersten Pogmore (@reddeermassagetherapy) is the massage therapist that I go to to fix my hobbled body. I may have mentioned that I foolishly got out of bartending because it was hard on my back, only to find out that barbering is much harder on an already Mr. Burns-like posture. She can be an absolute monster if you need, somehow getting those hard to reach areas between your muscles and bones (or so it feels), or you can be a man-baby (no shame) like me and ask her to be gentle. She's a pro, she can do it all. Anyway, she takes all kinds of benefits (or cash if you're an uninsured rube like me), and she's got a flexible schedule.
She said she'd give you $10 off your first visit if you tell her Seth sent you. I think it's like a password. She's located in New Clearview and she's the best. You may have seen her on my Instagram, she trusts me with her hair, and I trust her with my creaky, rickety muscles.
kierstenpogmorermt.clinicsense.com
Boxing Week!
Come shop at Alta while you're here. They also have great stocking stuffers. They're open Boxing Week but I am not. Come for the haircuts and stay for the clothing deals because you can't get a haircut!
Anyway. Thanks. Thanks for reading, thanks for letting me cut your hair, thanks for buying a t-shirt. And thanks for being you. You rule.
Love,
your second favourite barber,
Seth
‘Tis Almost The Season
Seth's Barbershop
5 Weeks Until Christmas Day!
I know. It doesn't feel like it when you look outside. Unless you have 'those' neighbours who insist on throwing etiquette to the wind and already have their Santa inflatables on their lawn.
It's coming. 3 paycheques until Holiday Time. Or maybe 2!
So, first order of business: my schedule is already filling up. I'm having regulars sit down in my chair and stare at me almost accusingly, saying they had a hard time finding a slot. And I get it. I make it a point to mention in every newsletter how you need to plan ahead and book a cut. I shouldn't harp on it, you're a grown adult, and frankly, it's pretty condescending for your barber to treat you like that. But I must. Book a cut for a few weeks from now (pick the earliest or latest 15-minute increment to help me out) and reschedule if you need to when you get the reminder.
I'll be working extended hours and days leading up, making hay while the sun goes down too early, so let's get you handsome.
I plan on closing from Dec 22 to Jan 2, so if you're skipping the Xmas cut to get a New Year's cut, you've been advised.
And just in time for stocking stuffer shopping, I've bottled my new Barrel-Aged Negroni Aftershave. Same great aftershave, but I've aged it with wine barrel oak from the fine people (or person) at Francon Furniture (franconfurniture.com) for a woodsy touch. I've been spritzing the back of your neck with it for the last month or so, so if you like, it, buy some!
YET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO BOOK A HAIRCUT!
You're probably aware that I was a bartender for a long time, and I love making recipes. And the Negroni is my favourite cocktail. Did you know the tradition of making Negronis on Christmas is full of symbolism?
The ingredients represent the Three Wise Men: Gin, Campari, and Sweet Vermouth, as the Magi known as Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar were all from The Netherlands, Italy, and France, probably.
Traditionally served in a wooden chalice, as Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade taught us, it's garnished with an orange peel meant to represent the Skin of Christ. The meaning of the striking red colour is obvious (Did you also Know that the Sangria cocktail translates to Royal Blood? Sang - Ria. Don't believe me? Would I lie to you?). The colour represents the Donkey the Christs rode in on and Joseph Christ eventually slaughtered and served as their traditional Christmas dinner.
Why do you think gin tastes like pine needles? Because it's distilled from used Christmas trees. Christmas trees are symbolic of the clear-cutting that occurred in the Forest of Nazareth, thus driving the Christs from their tree farm to look for shelter away in a manger.
Why is the Vatican in Italy? Because of the Catholic love of Negronis. When they talk of the Holy Spirit, they're talking about Gin.
So, when sharing Negronis with your children this year, remember, "For God so loved the world he gave his favourite recipe" Gin 3:16
3 Wise Men, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, JC was 33 when he died for 3 days (2 nights), 3 Horsemen of The Apocalypse (and the one dude's little brother who tagged along because his mom went grocery shopping and then he got credit), there is much power in the number 3. That's why the best cocktails have 3 ingredients. The one listed above, the Old Fashioned, The Last Word, Daiquiri, Sidecar, I could go on and on. Anyway, none of this has anything to do with barbering and hair. Just thought I'd share and enlighten. Sincere apologies for any heresy.
IF YOU CLICK HERE YOU CAN GET A HAIRCUT. IT'S MAGIC!
But wait, there's more!
Coming Soon!
T-shirts. I dropped off shirts today to get pressed. If you like t-shirts, there will be some at the shop very soon! Another stocking stuffer for the person in your life who likes wearing shirts.
Things I'm into this month.
Music:
There's an artist I found earlier this year, you probably heard him too, I think he was on a late night Jimmy show, his name is MJ Lenderman and he's just great. I'm not good at genre-ing art, so check him out for yourself.
open.spotify.com/artist/4tK6Z8fK7Sc9133byjPGIT?si=YgUbCslqRpWmaWB3DOT6oQ
Local:
I have a client who is a pro at all things tech, he even has a podcast about it, a blog, and a pretty in-depth website. He's now embarking on a new venture providing drop-off computer repair, and remote support services. If you have a computer problem, give him a call. If you're like me and know very little about computers (I know way more than my dad and way less than my son), he's the right person to ask.
PRETTY IMPRESSED YOU MADE IT THIS FAR
Seth's Barbershop
4925 48 Street, RED DEER, AB, T4N1S8
Please contact Seth's Barbershop about its privacy practices.
Long Weekend, Long Newsletter.
Seth's Barbershop
Only 5 paycheques until Yuletide!
Dearest Client/Reader/Friend/Sir/Madam/Bro,
First off, I'm sorry for the title. It's not great.
I hope this email finds you with your feet up. And I hope you enjoyed the virtual gratitude journal that was Thanksgiving.
Listen. Normally I don't enjoy autumn. It's usually a week of nice colours followed by unnecessary winds that blow all the leaves off and we're left with Tim Burton-style trees until the snow comes, either 4 days or two months later. And autumn is a cold reminder that we live in a frozen wasteland not fit for man nor beast, and you may think your gloves are warm enough, but they aren't. They just aren't.
But not this year! This year has been colourful and warm and just the best. I hope it's been great for you too.
CLICK HERE TO ENTER THE MAGICAL WORLD OF APPOINTMENT BOOKING!
On the list of exciting things going on in my clients' lives, there's a first time home buyer, a first child expected this month, and I have a regular client/friend who's going to climb Everest Base Camp next week. How exciting is that?! Flying into Kathmandu. (More like Kathmandon't, am I right? Which leads me to one of Seth's Humour Tips ©️. If someone says something they like that ends with "do", turn it into a "don't". Is your Aussie friend playing you a song with a didgeridoo? Nudge the person next to you and mutter under your breath, "More like didgeridon't, hey?" Someone bidding you adieu? I bid you adion't, hey? Huh? Hey? Right? Works every time.)
Anyway, as someone who reached the peak of Piper's Mountain at the age of 6, I fancy myself a bit of a mountaineer. An adventurer, if you will. A caucasian Tenzing Norgay, if you will. Won't you?
Picture this: Late 90s, I'm 19, Xtreme sports were all the rage. Capital X. Bungee jumping, Rollerblading, bleached hair, what a time to be alive. My parents were like, What are you going to do with your life? And I'm all, I'm gonna be gnarly, bro! And gnarly, I was. I graduated high school, frosted my tips, and headed west. I surfed, I skated, I shredded. Xtreme sports were marketable, so the ad people were looking for rad dudes like moi to sell their merch. They're like, "We sell green soda to the kids, and the kids love the sports. So we want you and your crew to hike K2 and snowboard down, all while drinking a Mountain Dew, and yell into the camera, DO THE DEW!" It was a whole campaign. So I'm like, whatever dude. It's cool.
So there we were, hiking to the top, which was no big whoop, after all, I'm a bit of a hiker, as I mentioned earlier. I was more concerned with snowboarding down. I get to the peak and I'm all, rad. Selfie with a disposable Kodak camera, then strap in and grind that gnar pow. They gave me a Hi8 camera to film myself drinking the pop, but being the anti-authoritarian that I am, I had a hilarious thing I was going to do. Halfway down I'm locked in, full send. I grab the Dew out of my pocket, press record on the Handicam, crack the can open with one hand and yell into the camera, "Do the Don't!" It sounded so much better in my head. I panicked. "Don't the Dew!" I was hyperventilating. "DON'T THE DON'T!" Mountain Don't was pouring all over my face, freezing on impact, my goggles useless. I hit a tree branch, sending me into a barrel roll that lasted for 1.2 km, coming to a stop a half mile from base camp. I broke a lot of bones and tore a lot of things, but as I lay there, I tasted the Xtreme Mountain Dew, and it was delicious. I felt such shame, trying to be so cool that I ended up being not gnarly. I was gnarly in the way it originally meant. Bad. That was the end of my Xtreme sports career, shunned from the Rad Community forever. and the only advice I have is to shut up and listen to the Sherpas. Sarcasm is lost in translation.
BOOKING AN APPOINTMENT IS EASY! AND YOU CAN TOO!
Fun new product! If you've had a Negroni cocktail, you need to try a barrel-aged Negroni cocktail. If you've tried my Negroni Aftershave, you need to try a Barrel-Aged Negroni Aftershave. I've not bottled it yet, but once I do, they'll be available for your sniffing pleasure. You're the first to know. One of the many benefits of being a subscriber to The World's Best Newsletter.
This month's important topics:
Holiday party season!
November is holiday party season, so plan ahead. I mean it this time. For real. As soon as you get the email with the date of the party, swipe out of there, and go to my website and book your cut. Reschedule later if you need to. You''s probably want one early Nov and mid Dec in order to reach ideal cut frequency.
Barber Expo
Last month I was invited by Tiffany of The Martlet Barbershop (formerly Red Stag Gas Alley) to go to the Calgary Barber Expo. Which was super nice of her, hey? What goes on at a Barber Expo, you ask? Same as any other industry's convention- presentations and Look & Learns with vendors selling things. In a good way! I met some cool barbers from Calgary and Edmonton (I'm old school in that I will never use airport codes because in Canada it forces you to google where they are anyway, and I hope the trend goes away. YQF. Get real.) that I'm excited to learn from.
Things I'm into this month
I subscribe to various newsletters and some of them do this little thing where they plug things they think are cool, and usually I'm like who cares, it's probably all sponsored BS anyway, but I like cool things, and I also love voicing my opinions, so here are some things. Take 'em or leave 'em. They're not sponsored, but this space for rent.
Music
- Jesse Wells is a folky kinda singer who picks a mean guitar. You may have seen him on Instagram, that's where I first saw him. He sings about current events and topical topics, and some songs that are just nice songs. He's like Bob Dylan but good. I pasted a link below for your convenience, but I don't know how to hotlink stuff, so just search him if you're inclined.
open.spotify.com/album/48Hs14SqGLxaaD8z22QDrE?si=k8Ic0udeRfixmA6EJredFQ
Books
- A generous client gifted me a copy of Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara, and I really think that everyone who deals with customers should read it. I extra loved it because it's written by a restaurant person, which I was for most of my working life, but it's all about how to go above and beyond for your customers and clients, in any industry. If you don't want to spoil your customers in order to be the best, then what are you even doing?
Local things
- The downtown food scene keep getting better and better. I'm a fan of Foodie Bros, their Yamyung Chicken Burger is in my Top 3 chicken burgers of all time. They recently expanded their dining room, so go sit down or get some takeout. As always, Skip the Skip The Dishes and go get it yourself. They're across the street from the old Uptown Theatre that was renovated and got a new name and then was abandoned for some reason.
And don't forget- Yuletide decorations are to be put up no earlier than Dec.1. Just because Costco sells them in September doesn't mean you get to put them out. You don't start school when the supplies go on sale, do you? You don't go to the beach in April when they start selling inflatables, do you? No. You don't.
I hope to see you soon, and please bring good news. The next 3 weeks are going to be the worst 3 weeks in social media history (US election that they're making our problem), so please bring jokes and stories.
Keep on keepin' on. Life's a garden- dig it.
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
Goodbye Summertime, Hello Falltime!
I'M GETTING BETTER AT PLANNING! (BOOK NOW)
Happy Autumn, Theydies and Gentlethem. I hope you're as happy as I am that school's back in, without a schedule my world turns to chaos. Not like movie chaos with explosions and riots, but like Chaos Theory, with random or unpredictable behaviour, and as exciting as it can be at times, it's mostly just frustrating. I don't require drill sergeant order, but there needs to be a rudder on the majestic ocean liner that is Seth of The Seas, you know?
We will forego the minutes of last month's meeting. First order of business: The back to school rush was jam packed, thanks for your flexibility and patience. I'm also flexible at times, so if you insist on sucking at time management and remember to get a haircut 24 hours before a wedding or something (I'm looking at you, Chris), message me or add a note on the waitlist request and I can stay late or come in early. I simply want to help, and it's definitely not me being selfish and being fearful of losing a customer to Thomas E. Rifle. I just don't want that to happen to you. I care.
I went to Vancouver and took hardly any pictures, but I had to document gas being barely more expensive than in Red Deer. Blew my mind. Kirsten wasn't much impressed at my gas prices-to-family vacation picture ratio.
Next up: Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving Sunday is October 13th. That's less than 4 weeks away. The week or so before that weekend is a busy one, family photos are being taken, people see their mothers. So, being the broken record I am, plan ahead and book now.
BOOK A CUT AND THEN CALL A MEAT SHOP AND RESERVE A TURKEY
Good news about bad news
A dear regular was in the chair last week and he's usually the friendliest, but that day was subpar. Everything we talked about, current events, the ravages of age, health, etc., was just a downer. Not his fault, I was no help, it happens, some days are just full of crap. And, keep in mind, the chair is there for venting. Let it all out, Seth is here for you. If you need a drink (shifty eyes side to side) I can try to help. So I thought about ways to steer the conversation to positivity. Tell a joke? I only know kid jokes and puns, so that's out.
I'm guilty of unconsciously hunting for misery, I spend too much time on social media. Not on Instagram promoting my business like I should, but on Twitter (you can't change a name so engrained in the common vernacular and expect everyone to follow, anyone remember when Parkland Mall changed names for a brief time?) and Reddit. I go to Twitter because it used to be funny. Now there are very funny tweets surrounded by crazies and bad news. So I justify it by laughing out loud once per hour, while the rest of the time is damaging my psyche by desensitizing and acclimatizing it to garbage. I flip flop between wanting to be an informed citizen and the desire to be blissfully ignorant.
But, as a barber it's my duty to be informed.
("I sat down today in a high barber's chair
to hear the town gossip and clean up my hair
- Afterthought, by Conor Oberst. Look him or his band Bright Eyes up on Spotify, you won't be disappointed)
But I should also be informed of good news, too. If you've spoken to me more than once, you'll know I love spouting off my opinions. Bad habit, but "I am as god made me, sir" (Spinal Tap. Good movie. Look it up.)
So you know what I did? I googled "good news" and "good things that have happened lately". There are ENTIRE WEBSITES all about good news. goodnewsnetwork.org and positive.news were the first two to come up. Nothing world changing, and I didn't dig too deep, so they could be selling something (probably) or they could sell your info to fund a one-way rocket to an asteroid, but the bad news people are doing that, too.
I remembered, Hey, I think there's a subreddit about good news. I searched for it, there it is, it's called UpliftingNews and oh right, I already subscribed to it. But it never shows up because the algorithm is not there to make us happy.
BOOK NOW, OR AFTER THE USUAL MEANDERING STORY. YOUR CALL.
A story.
Reminds me of a time long ago when I was working in a printing press. I wasn't into it, but scurvy had taken my only cow and I had no milk for müsli, so I had to take a job that my Uncle Flinder had lined up for me, which was more a way for him to pay back his gambling debts at the worm races. Anyway, my job was typesetting, and I had to proofread every story before setting the type, which made my fingers sore and my spirit blah. Just blurgh, you know? Just overall mlehhh.
I set out to find good news. I threw down my newsie cap and told Old Mr. Gutenburg, "this job just isn't my type!" and stared at him, waiting for a laugh. "Nothing?" But he just stared. I picked up my hat, angry at the wasted pun, shook out the letters into a bowl of soup, giving him a million dollar idea but I was too rushed to notice. Dagnabbit.
I ran down the street, stopping at every person. "Tell me something good that happened to you recently, wouldja?"
"I lost a tooth!" said little Trompsy, just 6 years old.
"I was digging a root cellar and struck gold!" cheered Lestrich.
"The factory where I work burned down!" said Philonstera. "That's not very good news," I said. "It is for me," he replied as he lit his tobacco pipe and pulled his hat back down over his eyes. "Now get out of my sun."
I wanted to spread the good news all over the valley. So I did.
"Here comes that kid with the good news," they'd say.
"We get it," they'd say.
I decided to write a book instead of walking. It was tiring, after all.
This was in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say dickety because the Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. Then after World War Two, it got kinda quiet, 'til Superman challenged FDR to a race around the world. FDR beat him by a furlong, or so the comic books would have you believe. The truth lies somewhere in between. Three wars back we called Sauerkraut "liberty cabbage" and we called liberty cabbage "super slaw" and back then a suitcase was known as a "Swedish lunchbox." We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Ah, there's an interesting story behind that nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three: medium brown. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Yes, that last part was Abe Simpson. No, I'm not ashamed of plagiarizing, it was just a little pepper on my good news salad. Besides, a little Simpsons never put anyone in a bad mood. It's also called working smarter, not harder. Look it up.
Thanks for letting me waste your time. I hope to see you soon. Tell me a joke and get 10% off your next cut.
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
P.S. my 10 year old daughter is getting into photography and she used my late uncle's sweet old Pentax 35mm film camera to take the header image of the tree in our front yard, and the one below of two butterflies. as if that's not the most adorable and awesome thing ever.
Seth's Barbershop
4925 48 Street, RED DEER, AB, T4N1S8
Don’t Let The Wolves Getcha!
CLICK HERE TO INITIATE PREEMPTIVE BOOKING!
Here's what's up.
As you may have seen written on the mirror at the barbershop or on my Instagram, I'm away from August 18-25. My wife's brother is getting married in the Vancouver area, and they didn't take my schedule into account when booking their date. Rude? I mean, of all the weekends in the year they have to pick the second-busiest time for me? Luckily, school doesn't start until after Labour Day this year, finally. Like, who thought it was a good idea to have kids come in for roll call then give them three more days off?
That gives us 6 days to get you cleaned up before school. If you go to school. Or maybe you teach, and you don't want to earn a terrible nickname from the kids on the first day. You know, like, Doc Brown, or Old HairyNeck. Or, The Crazy Janitor Who Teaches English.
(*Janitor is no less respectable than Teacher, just as important. I was just going for effect, and you pictured what I was alluding to, so we're both being judgmental and elitist today. Happy?)
Anyhoo, I'll be doing longer hours for the last week of August to atone for my laziness (a week with extended family, you think that's going to be relaxing?), open Monday to Saturday, 10-7. So get in where you can fit in. If you're just the worst and are bad at planning ahead, message me and I'll see where I can squeeze you in. I'm here for you.
I'M NOT THE WORST, SO I'LL BOOK NOW
Segue Street
Speaking of learning, I don't think there's a human alive (over, say, 20) who didn't grow up on Sesame Street. We don't count the Amish or the North Sentinalese, so don't get clever. What I mean is, we all watched Big Bird and Snuffaluffagus/Snuffleupagus/Grimace and the crew. Nobody has ever looked at a metal garbage can and not thought about Oscar. We were best friends and third roommate/wheel with Bert and Ernie. We sang the Rubber Ducky song. We listened to Ernie preach about washing behind ours ears in the bath. But did we listen? I don't think all of us did.
I'm not naming names, and I'm not trying to be rude here, but alls I'm sayin' is, you need to wash behind your ears when you shower. Simple water running over doesn't get things clean. It doesn't bother me, and I really shouldn't use this platform to shame grown adults into hygiene, but I couldn't stay silent. Because if you're not washing behind your ears, what else aren't you washing?!?
Hands. Increase your hand washing, because back to school time is when those snotty little kids get each other sick, bring it home to their families, get snot all over everything, parents bring it to work, get their co-workers sick, then they go to the barber and wet-sneeze and get the barber sick, who has to take time off work, and this cold and flu season is a bad batch, so the barber is laid up for like two weeks, loses a bunch of customers to other, temporarily healthy, barbers, and next thing you know, his kids are forced to turn to a life of crime, and since the barber has four of them, that's four (4) more criminals on the streets, crime stats get way out of whack, funding gets redirected, services get slashed, the country goes into (yet another) recession, the stock market crashes, the WHOLE WORLD goes into panic mode, there's mayhem in the streets, martial law, piles of smoking rubble, tanks patrolling while a loud speaker drones on about a curfew and rationing, food supplies are altered, livestock are poached and stolen, fences are snipped, allowing coyotes and wolves to feast limitlessly making them stronger and meaner, taking down entire herds of big game which changes entire ecosystems and river erosions, causing landslides, ultimately changing the face of the Earth as we know it, or knew it, since we might not survive this New Earth now dominated by the Wolves and Coyotes, who have formed an alliance (!!!) to become the new top of the food chain (they broke into experimental science labs and now are growing thumbs and vocal chords (!!!)) and the human race is all but extinct, and it's all because you wanted to save 20 seconds in the shower?
Soaping up real good: the future of the human race depends on it.
Maybe I'm just selfish and don't want to get sick.
Anywhey,
You're still handsome and squeaky clean in my books. Enjoy the rest of your summer. Next time you're in, say the Wolves sent you and get 10% off!
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
Seth's Barbershop
4925 48 Street, RED DEER, AB, T4N1S8
Please contact Seth's Barbershop about its privacy practices.You’ve received this email because you are signed up to receive email offers and promotions from this Square Seller.
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July, July!
Hey. You clicking this email is a sign from the universe that you should take a minute and take a breather and hear what I have to say. Or, read what I have to type, I guess. Semantics.
Before we begin, the usual disclaimer: You have every right to unsubscribe from this email. I may not have even asked you if it was okay, which is technically illegal, but in the way that VHS movies would threaten a billion dollar fine and Life in jail if you copied it. More frowned upon and discouraged. How do we know it's a law if we don't test it once in a while? And it's new enough to plead ignorance, like the new parking app that's a year old.
So I sent it anyway. I just assumed since you seemed cool. Maybe I was wrong. No hard feelings. I got an unsubscribe last month. I was taken aback; what's not to like about a good rant? Have you seen how popular Facebook is? But he'd only been in once in the past year, and some people don't collect spam like me, so I guess I get it. He's moved on, cutting ties. Yes, I see who unsubscribes. No, I won't make it awkward if he ever comes back, or if you unsubscribe. We'll go on, business as usual, but I'll know. I'll know. I won't be mad. But I'll know.
As I may have told you, I'm on staycation. Relaxing in my villa (house), eating tapas (Ritz crackers) and getting lost in a good book (doomscrolling). We may go enjoy the beach (RD River), or stroll the countryside (Clearview Ponds), then take in some local culture (Westerner Days fireworks as seen from the Sport Chek parking lot) before finishing it all off with a nightcap (a Bubly and No Name Cheddar Bacon chips).
I know what you're thinking. "Seth. Who cares. Cut to the chase. You're interrupting my real vacation or my day at work covering those on vacation to brag about your holiday, off gallivanting in the South of Clearview. We can't all be so lucky." And I get it, dear reluctant reader. Such is the life of a self-proclaimed influencer. I make no apologies. I am insufferable. I am the wind.
Last month's email was a rant, this month's is a preach.
The last quarter has been very busy at the barbershop and I'm hashtag blessed to have you all come back for cuts and chats. Maybe it's an extended honeymoon period but I still enjoy even the long days.
However, this is the first week off I've had in a year (not counting Yuletide break because it does not count). So although I was happy and had good days, my body and brain were telling me it was time to chill out for a bit. You asked me what I was going to do, and I said I was going to organize the garage and get stuff done, but if I get nothing done other than this newsletter, I'm 100% cool with it.
Work smarter, not harder, they say. Physical workouts need rest days. Athletes need an off-season. You work too hard, and you deserve to take some days off. That includes your phone that's always blowing up, emails to respond to (not like this slice of heaven that is a sustenance. No need to respond, just soak it in), or people who "just can't wait". I know your job is important, but if you can't take at least a long weekend without your work phone, you need to learn how to work smarter. That isn't the preaching part, that's just the dad in me. I care for you, pal. Nobody on their deathbed wishes they worked harder.
I'm privileged in that I can take time off and if one of my customers, clients, clientstomers, isn't cool with it, then I guess I've lost them to another barber. That's okay. There are more heads in the city. My mental health and time with my kids are paramount.
This is where I tell a humourous story, and I had one brewing but I'm already 5 days late sending this email out. I had it half-written when I realized it wasn't even funny, and the ending would've sucked, so I deleted it all. And here we are. I have a sunburn, no a/c in my house (a thermometer in my bedroom told me it was 29 reffing degrees in my bedroom last night, despite being in the crossfire of 2 fans. I'm going to the grocery store to open the ice cream freezer and pretend to price compare but not buy anything.
Anyway, thanks for enduring this.
See you soon,
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
Seth's Hair Related Tips
Does your scalp get itchy and irritated? You may need to dry it more. If you let water sit on your table or floor, it's kinda ruined, right? Well don't let water sit on your skin either. Blow dry if possible, and better yet, use a diffuser, the attachment I use with the nice little massaging rubber fingers. It won't puff up your hair. Or dry better with a separate towel after the shower. Another tip is changing your pillow. My scalp was itchy and my crappy pillow was hurting my neck anyway so I switched it up, and my neck got better as well as my scalp. Go to Sleep Country and get them to set you up. I just learned you should change pillows every 2 years, and I'm a dozen overdue.
Happy...Summer?
Happy….Summer?
Summer is here this week, so says my calendar. It's green out, flowers are blooming, and it's 14 degrees.
The last few months have been very busy in the barbershop, and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you, and I appreciate your telling friends and neighbours to come down for a cut. You're the best. The collective best.
People are getting their summer cuts, the passing of winter brought everyone out of hibernation and into the barbershop to freshen up. I'd say it's the weather, but that's kinda half of it? It's just around the corner. A long, uphill corner.
We've waited patiently. Staring out the window like we're waiting for an Amazon package because we got an email saying it's "on the way!", getting excited at every white Ford Transit that drives by. Or waiting for the cable guy to come Monday between 9-5 but it's now 8:00 Wednesday. But you can't get mad when they come or they may give you slower internet because they have that power and they don't take no crap.
That's what it's like waiting for summer to arrive. It came earlier last year, what gives? Is it El Niño/Niña? Is it George Soros? Is it simply the end times?
Summer in Central Alberta is like an Every-Other-Weekend Dad. He's not here often, but when he is, oh, we love him so much. Kinda wish we had a dad like those lucky kids a few blocks south of us though, he's always early and sticks around for a long time. That would be sweet. Welp, gotta make the most of what we have, because Winter is like an eager stepdad who is always there because he lives us but we wish he would just go away. He claims to be fun, but his idea of fun suuuuuucks. Yeah, we can still go fishing, but it's just not the same, Bill.
We sit on the step with our fishing pole and sleeping bag waiting for Every-Other-Weekend Dad to come by and take us camping. But he won pool league last night so, naturally, he went out and celebrated and by the time he rolls up in his Trans Am with the T-roof open, hours late, he won't take off his sunglasses. Some call it Heroin Chic, could be Dive Bar Cool. He's just so cool. Ratty sleeveless tee under his scuffed leather jacket, he's even got a goatee. And an earring. He winces as he slams the door and flicks his cigarette butt on the lawn and there's a woman getting out of shotgun who we've never seen before. She smells like hairspray and Malibu Rum, and dad introduces her not by name but as our new stepmom and sorry champ, camping won't work today but next time for sure. 'Sposedta rain anyway. He says he's got "meetings" all day but also hasn't had a job in quite some time. He rustles our hair and tells New Stepmom they'd better make tracks before our mom comes out. Last cheque bounced but it was the bank's fault. We pick up our stuff, shoulders slumped, and go back up to our room and hear the Trans Am peel out, gears grinding, the RPMs reaching octaves to match the Eddie Van Halen solo coming from the speakers, New Stepmom laughing. Mom and Bill are whispering in the hallway, maybe we'll go for ice cream, at least.
IMPORTANT!
I will be away from July 14-22nd, so plan accordingly! If that's your usual haircut week, let me know and we can do before or after.
So, not much in the way of "news" in this newsletter, I'm just trying to get my money's worth. End of June is always crazy, more graduations, people getting cleaned up before summer vacation. Better get in now, or wait until July when there's so much space. You know what? Do both!
Keep fit, have fun, stay warm.
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
Book, Rebook, Ad Infinitum.
It all begins with an idea.
Hiya gang, it's your monthly hello from Your Second Favourite Barber. The one who doesn't know how to upload pictures to a laptop computer so he has to use a suggested stock photo but it's of a sweet bike he would ride the crap out of that also fit the colour scheme so he's super chuffed about it.
Obligatory notice: Feel free to unsubscribe. You may have been placed on this mailing list because I thought you might enjoy it. If not, whatever, man. Moving on.
Do you believe in fate? Well, you opened up your email and here I am, so it's fate whether you believe in it or not. Fate is telling you to book your next cut, and to do it right now. It takes less than 2 minutes. Did you just get one last week? Well, book your next one anyway and you can reschedule when the early alert notifies you. Or when the early notification alerts you. You know how it works by now; you get the heads up, you change your time if you need, or you can be a man of your word and keep your commitment to your barber, the one with feelings and abandonment issues. I kid.
Let's talk about something super fun! May is Mental Health Month! Ugh, I know. Enough, amirite? But guess what? I don't care. I've had some heavy talks with great people in my chair who are going through tough things lately. Fights with the wife, a dad's funeral, or the one that got away. These are things that we all deal with eventually, and while they're not mental health issues per se, if we bury them down and don't talk about them, they don't go away, they metastasize and drive us crazy. All this to say:
The barber chair is a place to relax and take a break from your busy life. If you've got something to vent about, I'm honoured and privileged to be the ear it falls upon. I'm not a therapist who can offer advice, but all anyone needs is an ear. Something so little as talking to your barber when he asks how you are is taking care of your mental health. Staying silent for the whole cut is taking care of your mental health (closed eyes is a sign to me that the client doesn't want to talk and it happens plenty, and I don't take offence, quite the opposite). Simply getting a haircut and feeling good is taking care of your mental health.
Switching gears: It's high school graduation time! For some schools, it's next week! Whose bright idea was it to hold graduation then go back for another month of school? Some jerk, I can tell you that much. Either way, many of your boys (or you, but pretend this is to your parent for a minute for the sake of the story) will be graduating high school, so why not treat them to a gift card for a cut and shave?
Treat them to a hot towel shave to pamper them one last time before they step up to knock on the door of the real world. They straighten their collar, clear their throat and lick their palm and flatten their hair. It may take a few knocks, as it's super busy in there. Finally the door bursts open and the guy answering it looks disheveled and obviously stressed, tired and hyper at the same time, he yells "WHAT?!? Oh, another one? Gah, they keep coming." There's smoke, laughter, screaming, bright red lights, flashing strobes, the sound of chainsaws for some reason, and John Woo doves. "Okay," he sizes them up as he puffs his cig. "Looking good, champ. Did you sign your forms? Doesn't matter. Come on. You won't need that lunchbox."
They walk the hallway, cubicles and offices to the left and right, no ceiling, only Mordor in the distance. A buzzing, a siren. Flaming arrows whizzing by their heads, the doorman says, "I'm Trevor, your guide. Don't ask questions, I'm only the guide." Trevor walks with purpose, like he's walked this hallway a trillion times before. Has he? The Graduate is stumbling to keep up, tripping over loose children and radio controlled cars, underfoot the crunching of broken glass/dreams. They see doors with placards. Retail, Labour, Middle Management, Success, Homeless, Fame. Some man-sized, some garage door-sized, a door barely big enough for a mouse labeled, "Prosperous Artist".
"I want that door back there!" yells The Graduate.
"Don't we all," says Trevor, rolling his eyes. "Which one? They're all so close together, it's easy to aim for one and get the other."
"Success."
Trevor stops. He chuckles. He looks around, the arrows stop. The limitless world erupts in laughter, so loud The Graduate presses their hands to their ears. "Make it stop!!!" The laughter stops and the screaming continues.
"Okay. This is where you go on without me. Be careful, most doors are mislabeled. Take this," Trevor hands The Graduate a slab of dripping red meat the size of a football with the word SUCCESS branded on it. "Welcome to The Real World. Good Luck." Trevor lights a cigarette with the butt of the last and walks back through the fog as he's passed by five wolves, drooling and snarling, staring at The Graduate, who tries to drop the Success Meat. It won't fall. It's fused to their hands. Panicked, The Graduate looks into the abyss and starts to run, footsteps and rabid barking close behind.
In the distance they hear, "Tell 'em Trevor sent ya to get 10% off your next haircut at Seth's!"
Also, were you lucky enough to see those Northern Lights the other night?! I got some great pics, let's talk about it next time.
See you soon,
Seth
Book your next appointment
It all begins with an idea.
This is your reminder to book a haircut. My automated system gives you a 3 day heads up, so if you need to reschedule, you can do it then. Just book a cut now, and figure it out later. Do it. Go. I double dog dare you.
Now that that's done and out of the way: How are you? Good, me too, thanks. Welcome to the World's Best Monthly Barbershop Newsletter. TM.
Once again, spam laws require me to get consent before sending these marketing emails, so thanks for agreeing to them. Unsubscribe if you'd like, no worries. But you may think, "Hey, he didn't ask me, why am I getting these?" And in some cases, I didn't. I just figured, "Nah, this person's cool, they totally want my ramblings filling up their inbox. They probably use their spam email for booking anyway." You're not gonna narc on me, are ya? Are you cool?
Now. Let me tell you about Kent combs. They're nice. My wife got me a model 2T like 10 years ago, the lettering is worn off, and I've dropped it so many times on the tile floor, but it's held up. Teeth still as straight as an orthodontist's child's. These aren't some plastic pumped into a mold kinda comb, they're hand made! With a saw! I don't know how that works, it's what it says on the comb. I mean, it can't be a hand saw or anything, can it? It's probably a sophisticated zinger pulled down by some chap in England wearing a three piece suit with a waxed moustache and flawless hair. It's a simple, shiny chrome lever pulled with one hand so the other can sip tea. The blades are hand-sharpened weekly by the local bladesmith.
The box says they're by appointment from the Queen (must be old boxes) so you KNOW they're made with elegance. I bet the Queen's combmakers have butlers and drive Bentleys. Which is crazy, because the combs are only $18! (the foldable 20T is $20, but the extra $2 is a small price to pay for the extra cool). If they're good enough for HRH, they're good enough for peasants such as us.
I like to imagine the lever puller is a man named Giles. He's a 7th generation Sawyer, an Eton man from East Chestlewick-on-Thames. He works hard from 9:00-3:30, 4 days a week. His wife, Agatha, runs a bakery and the whole family smells of cinnamon rolls. The children, Rose and Wilfred, will one day take over as 8th generation sawyer and 2nd generation baker. Which is which? It's 2024, either can happen! Or will the two break tradition and be 1st generation TikTokkers?!
I guess it all depends on how well Kent Combs sell.
Swanyway, Kent Combs are now on the menu. Try one out next time you're in. They've got heft. Buy nice or buy twice. Or thrice, even.
Thanks for your time. You're handsome, you have great taste in barbers, and if you happen to say "Giles says Hello" next time you're in, you get ten percent off your next cut. It's a "Van Halen Brown M&Ms contract" kinda discount.
Love, your second favourite barber,
Seth
Seth's Handy Hair Tip #2
Just as important as washing your hair is drying your hair. Most of us give the towel a quick rub on the head and get going because we think we're so busy, but if you have thicker/denser hair, that water can sit on your scalp and cause flaking or irritation. Would you let water sit on your hardwood floor? Maybe if you're a renter, but you own your head, so no, you wouldn't. Is it dandruff, or are you just not drying well enough? Try drying your hair with a separate towel after you dry off, down to the root, and extra points if you use a hair dryer. Use it on low power and it won't poof out your hair. Zero points if you laughed at "poof". Magicians don't like to be laughed at.
Everyone loves emails!
It all begins with an idea.
Hi, it's me, your second favourite barber. Welcome to my newsletter.
First of all, you can totally unsubscribe from this list, I won't blame you one bit. I won't send more than, say, one a month. Heck, it's taken me 13 months to send this one. But the website charges me like $20/mo to send marketing emails, so by gum, I'm gonna get my money's worth. Here comes your $20 email.
Secondly, I want to thank you for coming into my shop this past year and letting me cut your hair. Getting a business going is tough when you have to rely on people coming in your door, and it makes me genuinely happy when you do.
Brass tacks: more than a couple of you have mentioned that you just plain forget to book your appointments until the last minute, and that I should send reminders. I'm not just saying that, I actually did hear that from actual people, to my actual face. And my booking app doesn't do individual reminders, yet, so this is the next best thing.
Next time you're in, I'll be asking you if you'd like to schedule your next cut. Everyone says, "I don't know my schedule yet", so the cut gets left until panic time. I say, why not make your haircut the first thing on your schedule for next month? What's more important than self care? Why do I always have to be on the back burner?!? Besides, the appointment app notifies you a few days in advance, so if something more important (I mean, come on) is on that day, then it's an easy click to reschedule. Bingo banjo.
I'm going to throw in some tips on hair care and stuff like that, just so it doesn't feel like I'm just nagging you to make an appointment. Which I kind of am. But I'm leaning into some new products I'm excited to tell you all about, so just you wait.
Thanks for reading this far, and book your spring cut!
And maybe a bottle of Seth's Beard Oil for your bearded friends? Seth's Negroni Aftershave for your beardless friends?
I'm working on a few other exciting ideas to share with you, I'll let you know when they're ready, or I'll run them by you when your in the chair.
Thanks,
Seth
Seth's Hair Tip #1
I started shaving 30 years ago, but didn't know how to do it right until I went to barber school. I used to think I'd get a closer shave by going against the grain. It was closer for a day, but I was pushing the hairs back down, leading to ingrown hairs and irritation. Always shave with and side-to the grain of your facial hair. Look closely in the mirror and notice which way(s) your hair grows and follow it. The growth patterns can look like Starry Night under there.
Best to shave after a shower so the hair is nice and soft, and use thick but minimal lather so you can see the hairs just in case. And get a better razor! I've found that 1 blade is better than 4. Safety razors are less expensive and have a better shave. Come in and let's talk about it.