On the plus side, winter’s like, half over.
THIS IS WHERE YOU BOOK A CUT. CLICK IT.
Alright, gang. Grab a cup of coffee, stoke the fire, and dig in, it's time for the World's Best Newsletter. Satisfaction not guaranteed! It's the last one I'll send this year, promise.
First up: Seth's Gratitude Journal. I'm really so thankful for everyone who sat in my chair this year, and especially those who did it more than once. Not only did you put food on my table and in my kids' bellies, you made my days enjoyable and interesting. You're awesome.
B: I'm as computer savvy as I am handy - as in, not at all. I never remember how to upload a picture on this thing. But I found the "Theme" button that allowed me to change the template from coffee shop to cartoon beach! It's got a Miami Vice meets Bluey vibe.
Third: You've all done so well booking ahead to get in for your holiday cuts. I'm so proud of you. Gold stars for all!
4: I'm still taking Food Bank donations (food or dollars) this week, and I'm putting 10% of your cut into the money bag, so bring food or money when you come this week! The box is looking a bit sparse. Like Bob Cratchitt's pantry, to use a timely reference. My fault for not putting it in the last newsletter. Your fault for not carrying around cans of food on your person wherever you go.
Point the Fifth: If you're in this week, I'll be offering my homemade eggnog. It's got booze in it, but I'm only pouring small ones so you don't have to worry about your boss/driving. And it's not an upsell, it's my treat. Cocktails are my love language. If I did charge for it, I'd get in trouble with Johnny Law. Can't have that again. Last time the fuzz caught wind of my hooch making, they busted my doors down, I tell ya. He and his coppers came blowing their whistles and disturbed me while I was listenin' to the ball game on the ol' squawk box. I stood up with my hands in the air (all cool-like), me just in my pants and suspenders. I says to him, I says, "Whoa, Johnny, what's all the commotion?" He looks at me and says, "Don't get smart with me, I know you've been making 'shine here. White Dog. White Lightning. Grandpa's Cough Syrup."
"Have a look around, Johnny. Ain't nuthin' here. I'm but a simple barber, see?. Alls I do is cut hair. The odd shave. I'm above board, I toldja, I don't do that no more. Straight as a razor, pal. I ain't even been to a speak since the Babe hit that dinger to lead the Yanks to beat the Giants in the World Series last fall since this is a reference to being a real long time ago."
"Well I don't believe ya!" Johnny shouts, his pistol pointed at me. He's cool too, his fedora tipped just so, three-piece suit, dressed like he's on the take. Of course he is, I'd greased his palm in the past. He knew I was making Giggle Water on the sly, started out in my bathtub after the Volstead Act passed, gave me the what for and I slipped him a tenner and he hit the bricks. But now that my operation got bigger, he got wise.
"You know I'm just making aftershave, Volstead said it's fine! Medicinal and cosmetic, all's good!"
"Yeah but you ain't added the whatchamacallit juice to make it poison for thems that drink it! So it's against the law."
""Nuh-uh, I added it, I got the jug right here!" I hold up a jug of denatured alcohol, making anyone barf who drank it.
Johnny, whose real name was Carl but got used to the colloquialism, noticed the seal still unbroken on the jug. "It's a front! He's lyin'! Get 'im boys!"
I dropped the glass jug and smashed it at my feet and flicked my stogie so's to start a fire, and I high-tailed it outta there through the back door. "Can't catch me copper!" I run down the fire escape and yell at the boys, "Hey you there! Get the billsy-jams! Make 'em run with the plink-plonks!" They stand up from their game of Jacks, pigeons flying everywhere. We jump in a truck marked "Seth's Barrel-Aged Negroni Aftershave Distribution - Do Not Drink - Will Make You Sick Because We Follow The Law Because We're Good People" and we bust out, clinking and rattling all along, the truck making a chuga-chugga engine sound and an AWOOOOGAH honk, police whistles fading into the night until they were mixed with the morning songbirds.
Johnny Carl may have busted the warehouse that night, but we got away. I never did see Carl again, cuz holy jumping jehosephat, it scared the living bejeezus outta me, gave me the humbly-jumblies. I didn't want to go back to the hoosegow, no way no how. So I kept the aftershave for your face only, not your guts.
But I like to make egg nog come Yuletide:)
MIGHT AS WELL BOOK A HAIRCUT. NOW IN A SWEET FONT!
OTHER THINGS!
I made t-shirts.
They're comfy, made in Canada, printed at Showdown Merch in Sylvan Lake, and I would love it if you would wear my name on your back and make me feel like I'm a big leaguer. Seth. #2. In lights. Anyway, come try one on.
You can also get some stocking stuffers like combs and razor blades. I just got a few switchblade combs in, which, if you ask me, is the epitome of cool. Pairs well with a leather jacket.
My New Year's Resolutions
Here's an interesting thing I learned a few years back. New Year's resolutions never stick because we up and decide to change major parts of our lives and personalities and expect them to stay, out of the blue. January 1st is essentially an arbitrary date on a man-made calendar, so your body and brain don't care. They want to do what they've been doing this whole time. However, the Spring Equinox, coming up on March 20, is the best time to start a new habit. The days are longer, awakening your lizard brain. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a lot more common than you think, we can't get optimistic about a new habit when it's so dark all the time, circadian rhythm and all that. March's newsletter will go into it more, but just don't get down on yourself if you try to quit a bad habit and start up again Jan 10th. It's not your fault. Just hold off on that gym membership for a bit. Save your money. (It's true. Google it.)
Local Shoutout!
Kiersten Pogmore (@reddeermassagetherapy) is the massage therapist that I go to to fix my hobbled body. I may have mentioned that I foolishly got out of bartending because it was hard on my back, only to find out that barbering is much harder on an already Mr. Burns-like posture. She can be an absolute monster if you need, somehow getting those hard to reach areas between your muscles and bones (or so it feels), or you can be a man-baby (no shame) like me and ask her to be gentle. She's a pro, she can do it all. Anyway, she takes all kinds of benefits (or cash if you're an uninsured rube like me), and she's got a flexible schedule.
She said she'd give you $10 off your first visit if you tell her Seth sent you. I think it's like a password. She's located in New Clearview and she's the best. You may have seen her on my Instagram, she trusts me with her hair, and I trust her with my creaky, rickety muscles.
kierstenpogmorermt.clinicsense.com
Boxing Week!
Come shop at Alta while you're here. They also have great stocking stuffers. They're open Boxing Week but I am not. Come for the haircuts and stay for the clothing deals because you can't get a haircut!
Anyway. Thanks. Thanks for reading, thanks for letting me cut your hair, thanks for buying a t-shirt. And thanks for being you. You rule.
Love,
your second favourite barber,
Seth